It's been over a year since I had last written even a single page in my diary. I didn't write anything not because I was short of the incidents in my life but because I had way too much going on in my life. I just didn't know how to convert the huge rush of thoughts and emotions into words with the lack of vocab. Every drop of rain as it slowly drizzles and drops down my window pane reminds me of that every single drop of tear, every torture at the name of love, and the sorrows he had inflicted my life with.
I had met Ajay two and a half years back at a poetry reading event. Dating back to 10th December 2016. Mine and Ajay 's reservation of seats was done at the same table who too were young and bold yet not like Ajay. He had a different spark to his eyes and his aura was also very enhancing. He too noticed me in a special manner and that was the first time when his gaze met mine. Just like others present there me and Ajay gave good laughs and feedbacks to every poem that was being read on the stage. This way within a span of just 2hrs we interacted quite well and I was drawn more closer to him.
After that first meet we dated for about 3 months and committed ourselves into the precious bond of marriage. I guess I was already too impressed by his love and care shown towards me that I agreed to his marriage proposal.
But I could have never imagined that my one decision could turn my life into such a disaster. When too much love and comfort becomes suffocating, you feel caged.
His love and care for me went upscale as the days passed by to such an extent that whenever I would talk to a man he would start doubting me. He had the fear that my beauty and his invaluable looks when compared to me would drive me to choose another guy over him. Therefore he kept me locked into house thereafter. I had access to all comforts at home but it started to feel more like an unofficial house arrest. I was forced into sex every night such that contraceptives was an important item on our grocery list. I had never wished for such love that would allow me no freedom and suffocate me to a caged prisoner.
His lust desire for me never ended. His insecurity regarding me grew so much that he even stopped going to work and embraced tied me to the bed day and night. I always consoled myself that it was all because he loved me too much, so much that I could have never imagined.
But a voice inside me sometimes spoke, is this called real love? Was this the sort of love every girl asks for after her marriage?
I just didn't know where to go or whom to approach. I came to know the true meaning of being an orphan. I used to die for love but now it seemed that after marriage I was DYING of LOVE.
I tried every possible way to explain Ajay but all the explanations went in vain and instead his insecurity doubled, every time I tried to resist and go against his lust.
I wanted to scream but no one would hear, wanted to cry but no one to console, wanted to struggle but no one to support. I couldn't I just couldn't take those tortures anymore.
On the night of 15th March 2018 as usual Ajay fed me while I was tied to the bed. He fed me like a mother feeding her new born. I had never experienced the love of a mother, even if I had I was too small not to be able to recap the memories after so many years. He had my head rested on his shoulder, my nostrils were so close to his neck that I didn't even had enough space to breathe properly. It was suffocating. Ajay got up to keep the plate in the sink and when he came back his eyes were all watery but there was a strange smirk to his lips. He had a glass bottle in his hand, a glass bottle. Inside it was a liquid, so transparent and still that it couldn't be water for sure. He came closer to me, holding the bottle in his hand he hugged me so tight that my chest was ready to burst of all that pressure. He brought his mouth close not to my lips but my ear, so close that I could hear him breathing in and out, he whispered ' Tina I love you , forever will, no matter what. '
No matter what? The last three words chilled my spine but didn't know why. However it didn't take me much time to figure out the entire scenario but it was too late to realize. I heard something click behind my back as he was still hung to me. I was pushed against the wall so hard that I closed my eyes in pain but before I could even open them I felt it burning. I felt my face burning that I screamed, so loud that it was enough to scare the children and their parents in our neighborhood. I could hear the frantic thumping of fists on our main entrance door and people shouting outside the house.
As the curtains of the LED light in the room slowly closed down into darkness I passed into oblivion.
What happened after that I don't know and no one here in the NGO tells me. All I know is that I was brought here from the hospital and this is where I belong now. No one to love my ugly face with the cheek bones peeking out of that last layer of skin or mass but quite a few to love my soul. What really matters is I enjoy being here, being FREE.
After that first meet we dated for about 3 months and committed ourselves into the precious bond of marriage. I guess I was already too impressed by his love and care shown towards me that I agreed to his marriage proposal.
But I could have never imagined that my one decision could turn my life into such a disaster. When too much love and comfort becomes suffocating, you feel caged.
His love and care for me went upscale as the days passed by to such an extent that whenever I would talk to a man he would start doubting me. He had the fear that my beauty and his invaluable looks when compared to me would drive me to choose another guy over him. Therefore he kept me locked into house thereafter. I had access to all comforts at home but it started to feel more like an unofficial house arrest. I was forced into sex every night such that contraceptives was an important item on our grocery list. I had never wished for such love that would allow me no freedom and suffocate me to a caged prisoner.
His lust desire for me never ended. His insecurity regarding me grew so much that he even stopped going to work and embraced tied me to the bed day and night. I always consoled myself that it was all because he loved me too much, so much that I could have never imagined.
But a voice inside me sometimes spoke, is this called real love? Was this the sort of love every girl asks for after her marriage?
I just didn't know where to go or whom to approach. I came to know the true meaning of being an orphan. I used to die for love but now it seemed that after marriage I was DYING of LOVE.
I tried every possible way to explain Ajay but all the explanations went in vain and instead his insecurity doubled, every time I tried to resist and go against his lust.
I wanted to scream but no one would hear, wanted to cry but no one to console, wanted to struggle but no one to support. I couldn't I just couldn't take those tortures anymore.
On the night of 15th March 2018 as usual Ajay fed me while I was tied to the bed. He fed me like a mother feeding her new born. I had never experienced the love of a mother, even if I had I was too small not to be able to recap the memories after so many years. He had my head rested on his shoulder, my nostrils were so close to his neck that I didn't even had enough space to breathe properly. It was suffocating. Ajay got up to keep the plate in the sink and when he came back his eyes were all watery but there was a strange smirk to his lips. He had a glass bottle in his hand, a glass bottle. Inside it was a liquid, so transparent and still that it couldn't be water for sure. He came closer to me, holding the bottle in his hand he hugged me so tight that my chest was ready to burst of all that pressure. He brought his mouth close not to my lips but my ear, so close that I could hear him breathing in and out, he whispered ' Tina I love you , forever will, no matter what. '
No matter what? The last three words chilled my spine but didn't know why. However it didn't take me much time to figure out the entire scenario but it was too late to realize. I heard something click behind my back as he was still hung to me. I was pushed against the wall so hard that I closed my eyes in pain but before I could even open them I felt it burning. I felt my face burning that I screamed, so loud that it was enough to scare the children and their parents in our neighborhood. I could hear the frantic thumping of fists on our main entrance door and people shouting outside the house.
As the curtains of the LED light in the room slowly closed down into darkness I passed into oblivion.
What happened after that I don't know and no one here in the NGO tells me. All I know is that I was brought here from the hospital and this is where I belong now. No one to love my ugly face with the cheek bones peeking out of that last layer of skin or mass but quite a few to love my soul. What really matters is I enjoy being here, being FREE.
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